The problem with physics is that it’s just not very physical anymore.
Physics used to be about intuitive stuff we could all get behind : laws of motion, gravity, magnetism, rockets and bombs. When you start saying stuff can now be in two places at the same time, and questioning whether Russian dogs exist or not, it all starts to get a bit messy and dangerously off topic.
The universe is this really weird place, and crazy shit happens, and we don’t know why. We need something to fill this void of confusion and multidimensional question marks. Welcome back God! Why not? Tap ‘physics’ and ‘God’ into Amazon and you’d think we’re on the brink of discovering God under a super string.
So if physics has spewed into the realms of counter intuitive preachings that require faith, then we better start calling it what it is. Physianity or Physicism no, er physical witnesses?
My advice is to calm down, double check your sums, maybe do a spot of gardening for a bit, the answer will come. But if you are hell bent on creating a new, better, stronger, faster, religion...
The formula for shitting on Jesus is this: 80% Rules 5% Magic 5% Plot 5% Prediction 5% Nonsense
80% Rules : Avoid awkward questions you don’t have the answers to. Tell them what they should be doing instead of asking frankly impertinent questions. This is going to take up most of your time, and that’s ok, this is the fun stuff. Don’t do that, put that down, stop playing with that, stop coveting your neighbours donkey, all that stuff. It’s recommended you have a rule for everything to keep the fuckers in line. Really try to get creative, you’re up against stiff competition. Instead of ‘touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Leviticus 11:7’ try ‘If you turn left more than you turn right in a day, you must give your iPad back’.
5% Magic : Fortunately the world of physics isn’t short on miracles, but they need jazzing up a bit. Like water into wine, they need to provide a real benefit. How about: A thimbleful of a neutron star would weigh over 100 million tons, and if you swallow it you will get a much bigger dick.
5% Plot : Everyone likes a good story. It’s also a cunning way to crowbar your doctrine into unsuspecting minds. It’s highly lucrative too, just ask George Lucas. He’s pretty much covered all the angles. Instead of Charlton Heston in a chariot, he’s got that annoying kid in a pod race. Instead of the power of God, he gave us complicated blood types. Instead of leprosy, George gave us jar jar binks.
5% Prediction : Followers need something to look forward to, and something to be scared shitless of. The bad stuff to motivate the masses to follow your rules. And the good stuff so your believers can feel smug and superior. Forget eternal damnation and torment, it just doesn’t cut the mustard in our modern age. Instead try : Non-believers don’t get as many twitter followers. And for the good stuff? I dunno. Heaven has a wi-fi connection.
5% Nonsense : Wars are the best way to eliminate the competition, and gain new followers. But you need some contradictions in your doctrine to get the whole thing started. Nothing necessarily meaningful or important, folks are generally pretty keen on kicking the shit out of other folks, just enough to tip the balance.
Okay good luck! I look forward to all the oppression!
Tune in again soon for the next lecture: “TV you can have a good wank to”
Saturday, 27 March 2010
Saturday, 16 January 2010
That’s not how you do brain surgery Nobhead
Welcome to my second lecture. It's been a while, but these things take a lot of research.
(Note to the MrsBickerstaff233: HA! I didn't realise they were my wife’s fingers! Anyway thanks for your patience, this one is for you! PS. Say hi to the wife for me. Does she read these?)
So, brain surgery. What is it? This is the question that has obsessed the nation. How often have you heard people carefully eliminating the possible theories. “Plumbing? It’s not brain surgery”, or “Pet grooming? It’s not brain surgery”. We definitely seem to know what it isn’t, but can’t quite put our finger on what it actually is. For this reason some people have suggested that brain surgery is like choosing the right wallpaper for the hallway. However, it turns out they’re not even close.
Brain surgery is hacking off the top of your skull to spoon out the mouldy stuff. Normally to remove memories of badly written blogs. I’m joking of course (It’s fucking embarrassing when people point out their own shit jokes. If it was funny I’d have laughed. Now I’ve got to be polite and do an awkward chuckle. Did you see what I did there?). Sadly brain surgery is normally undertaken for things like tumours, and aneurysms. Stuff that really isn’t going to make a difference. So for the betterment of mankind (A general theme for these lectures), this formula is for what you should be fixing, once you’ve got the lid off. Now you know what it is, you may want to try it yourself.
The formula for proper use of brain surgery is this: 20% Hope 20% Scepticism 20% Self improvement 20% Musical ability 10% Freestyle 10% Lego
20% Hope, the removal of : Hope all too often mutates into a form of stupidity inflicting Lottery players, and X Factor contestants. Whilst once inspirational and valuable, hopes turn into seemingly preordained truths . “I hope I can make it as a singer” turns into “This competition is my life! I was born to do this! Please Simon! I let you jizz on my tits and everything!”.
20% Scepticism, add generous amounts : We're suckers for crap therapy. Slogans and bubble gum phrases masquerading as therapy or universal truths because of wordplay or association. If you don't know how to spot these, just check for the words: always, never, all, none, astrological, Maybelline, Gok and Wan.
20% Self improvement, remove the need for : Not the learning of new skills, but the kind of self improvement that means looking like Beckham, smelling like Audrey Tautou, eating like Oliver, and pretending you don’t wank. Face facts. You’re ugly, you stink, you eat shit because it tastes good, and wanking is the one thing you’re really good at.
20% Musical ability, removal of : Anyone that can play an instrument is secretly and jealously hated by everyone. And cut off his ridiculous pony tail while you’re at it. Do this while singing the crazy frog, set to repeat.
10% Freestyle : Shit, you’re elbow deep in brain matter, have some fun.
10% Lego : We’ve removed quite a lot, so add Lego for ballast.
Ok that’s it. Just a quick check to see I haven’t meaninglessly used the word cunt. No, good to go.
Tune in again soon for the next lecture: “How to shit on Jesus”
(Note to the MrsBickerstaff233: HA! I didn't realise they were my wife’s fingers! Anyway thanks for your patience, this one is for you! PS. Say hi to the wife for me. Does she read these?)
So, brain surgery. What is it? This is the question that has obsessed the nation. How often have you heard people carefully eliminating the possible theories. “Plumbing? It’s not brain surgery”, or “Pet grooming? It’s not brain surgery”. We definitely seem to know what it isn’t, but can’t quite put our finger on what it actually is. For this reason some people have suggested that brain surgery is like choosing the right wallpaper for the hallway. However, it turns out they’re not even close.
Brain surgery is hacking off the top of your skull to spoon out the mouldy stuff. Normally to remove memories of badly written blogs. I’m joking of course (It’s fucking embarrassing when people point out their own shit jokes. If it was funny I’d have laughed. Now I’ve got to be polite and do an awkward chuckle. Did you see what I did there?). Sadly brain surgery is normally undertaken for things like tumours, and aneurysms. Stuff that really isn’t going to make a difference. So for the betterment of mankind (A general theme for these lectures), this formula is for what you should be fixing, once you’ve got the lid off. Now you know what it is, you may want to try it yourself.
The formula for proper use of brain surgery is this: 20% Hope 20% Scepticism 20% Self improvement 20% Musical ability 10% Freestyle 10% Lego
20% Hope, the removal of : Hope all too often mutates into a form of stupidity inflicting Lottery players, and X Factor contestants. Whilst once inspirational and valuable, hopes turn into seemingly preordained truths . “I hope I can make it as a singer” turns into “This competition is my life! I was born to do this! Please Simon! I let you jizz on my tits and everything!”.
20% Scepticism, add generous amounts : We're suckers for crap therapy. Slogans and bubble gum phrases masquerading as therapy or universal truths because of wordplay or association. If you don't know how to spot these, just check for the words: always, never, all, none, astrological, Maybelline, Gok and Wan.
20% Self improvement, remove the need for : Not the learning of new skills, but the kind of self improvement that means looking like Beckham, smelling like Audrey Tautou, eating like Oliver, and pretending you don’t wank. Face facts. You’re ugly, you stink, you eat shit because it tastes good, and wanking is the one thing you’re really good at.
20% Musical ability, removal of : Anyone that can play an instrument is secretly and jealously hated by everyone. And cut off his ridiculous pony tail while you’re at it. Do this while singing the crazy frog, set to repeat.
10% Freestyle : Shit, you’re elbow deep in brain matter, have some fun.
10% Lego : We’ve removed quite a lot, so add Lego for ballast.
Ok that’s it. Just a quick check to see I haven’t meaninglessly used the word cunt. No, good to go.
Tune in again soon for the next lecture: “How to shit on Jesus”
Friday, 27 November 2009
How to write a good blog, teaspoon testicle shit.
Quite a pretentious/ambitious start eh? So let’s scale it down a bit.
1. I’ve never blogged before
2. I don’t read blogs (until very recently)
3. In short, I’m completely unqualified to write on this subject.
However, faced with the terror of trying something new, and a paralysing fear of judgement, I thought I’d just bulldoze through my usual procrastination, and go for broke.
So join me tentatively pulling on the nose hair of my heroic, but misplaced enthusiasm.
Back on topic.
The formula for writing a good blog is this: 20% Observation 20% Honesty 20% Randomness 20% Swearing 20% Guff 1% punctuation. Yes that’s 101%, so don’t feel you need to worry about the last percent. Miss Bickerstaff isn’t going to correct your work. I know some people get all upset with bad punctuation, and my answer is “Fuck off Shakespeare. No one’s handing out gold stars just because you know how to use an apostrophe. Git.” Not to their face of course, I just nod in agreement, tutting in shared disgust.
20% Observation : Base your blog in some kind of reality we all can relate with. Like : Trains uh? Eh? Blimey those trains. Ha! Trains on them tracks, moving people to work and that. See what I did there? Straight away you know what I’m talking about, and you’re thinking ‘Gosh! Yeah them trains. I’ve been on one of those’.
20% Honesty : Connect with your audience. Get them on your side, with some frank self-deprecating fact. Like : I once knocked one out watching the gymnastics . Already you’re with me. Yeah?.....
20% Randomness : Make ‘em laugh son, and their knickers will just fall to the floor. Nothing is funnier than some unexpected zany combo. Like : Oh I was as angry as a wasp in jam trousers. Or. Oh I was as angry as a bee in velcro trousers. Ha! You’ll have to give me a moment.... OK OK i’m fine.
20% Swearing : Are you listening shit head? Anyone who’s watched TV knows that people have very short attention spans, and so you need to keep them focused. Not only is it a little naughty (and therefore cool), but you can also use it to emphasis a point like : Fill the cup with hot water, add the teabag, stir, remove teabag, add milk. Cunt.
20% Guff : Don’t blow your load in the first few sentences. No one’s going to take your blog seriously unless it’s at least half an A4 in length. Plus you’ve got to give your audience a chance to catch their breath. Try repeating yourself, or just copy and paste lots of quotes from someone else (but never quote anyone more interesting than you).
Follow the formula and you’ll do just fine. Or you could just do a list.
Tune in again soon for the next lecture: “That’s not how you do brain surgery Nobhead”
1. I’ve never blogged before
2. I don’t read blogs (until very recently)
3. In short, I’m completely unqualified to write on this subject.
However, faced with the terror of trying something new, and a paralysing fear of judgement, I thought I’d just bulldoze through my usual procrastination, and go for broke.
So join me tentatively pulling on the nose hair of my heroic, but misplaced enthusiasm.
Back on topic.
The formula for writing a good blog is this: 20% Observation 20% Honesty 20% Randomness 20% Swearing 20% Guff 1% punctuation. Yes that’s 101%, so don’t feel you need to worry about the last percent. Miss Bickerstaff isn’t going to correct your work. I know some people get all upset with bad punctuation, and my answer is “Fuck off Shakespeare. No one’s handing out gold stars just because you know how to use an apostrophe. Git.” Not to their face of course, I just nod in agreement, tutting in shared disgust.
20% Observation : Base your blog in some kind of reality we all can relate with. Like : Trains uh? Eh? Blimey those trains. Ha! Trains on them tracks, moving people to work and that. See what I did there? Straight away you know what I’m talking about, and you’re thinking ‘Gosh! Yeah them trains. I’ve been on one of those’.
20% Honesty : Connect with your audience. Get them on your side, with some frank self-deprecating fact. Like : I once knocked one out watching the gymnastics . Already you’re with me. Yeah?.....
20% Randomness : Make ‘em laugh son, and their knickers will just fall to the floor. Nothing is funnier than some unexpected zany combo. Like : Oh I was as angry as a wasp in jam trousers. Or. Oh I was as angry as a bee in velcro trousers. Ha! You’ll have to give me a moment.... OK OK i’m fine.
20% Swearing : Are you listening shit head? Anyone who’s watched TV knows that people have very short attention spans, and so you need to keep them focused. Not only is it a little naughty (and therefore cool), but you can also use it to emphasis a point like : Fill the cup with hot water, add the teabag, stir, remove teabag, add milk. Cunt.
20% Guff : Don’t blow your load in the first few sentences. No one’s going to take your blog seriously unless it’s at least half an A4 in length. Plus you’ve got to give your audience a chance to catch their breath. Try repeating yourself, or just copy and paste lots of quotes from someone else (but never quote anyone more interesting than you).
Follow the formula and you’ll do just fine. Or you could just do a list.
Tune in again soon for the next lecture: “That’s not how you do brain surgery Nobhead”
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